Ultra Trail Monte Rosa 2017 (160 Km, 10k m D+)

Posted on February 9th, 2017

Words & Photos: Marco Vendramel

In Switzerland, the plants talk... but not just them. They have faces, hands, legs. And so do the rocks in the woods.

Now that I think about it, not just in Switzerland. It all started at Colle del Turlo...

Am I imagining all of this? Is it just my already-shaky mind, now consumed by exhaustion and one hell of a crisis? I've already spotted an enormous lizard disguised as a tree root, a pike-like fish, teeth and all, also camouflaged as a root. Then knights, farmers, cowboys, astronauts.

Damn it, now even the rocks are joining in. Wasn't enough that they kept tripping me. They've got smug little grins, smiley faces, all kinds of emoticons.

I should be focusing more on running, but a caveman a moment ago, and now a pin-up girl, keep asking me for a light.

No, I don't smoke, that'd be a disaster, I'm an athlete, you know.

The pin-up laughs raucously, turns around and calls over a lady from the 1800s, together they walk into a cave where a blinking sign outside reads they've got over 100 kinds of draft beer.

I recite my times tables backwards, trying to stay focused. But a rock bites my ankle and I yell out in pain. I struggle to pry it off, look it dead in the face, want to throw it as far as I can, but instead start explaining to it the importance of courtesy toward hikers and runners, that I'm not even damaging the trail since I've got a light footstep, blah blah blah. It seems to buy it, smiles, spits in my face, bites my finger and scurries off.

How is it possible no one else notices this strange world we're running through? I duck into an aid station tent, or at least it's supposed to be one. It's a teepee, and the Native Americans inside are busy smoking a peace pipe. They stand up, offer me water and boiled roots, and one of them asks if I'd like to marry his daughter. I drink, eat the roots, wipe my sweat off with tree leaves, and set off again wearing a necklace of colorful beads around my neck.

The sun starts rising, and maybe with it, these hallucinations will disappear too. Yes, Elvis Presley confirms as much, perched on a branch, singing "Fallin' in Love with You" to me. Thank God, I couldn't take it anymore. Felt like being trapped in a chemical dream.

The two wolves that had been trailing me for hours stop, rise onto their hind legs, high-five me, and vanish into the woods.

Sunshine! I spot another competitor ahead of me, catch up to him for a bit of courage and company, he turns around, and he's got a hedgehog's snout... I can't take it anymore.

Last aid station, run by pirates, skulls on their hats and everything. I trade them my little bag for a couple of gold doubloons, drink a bit of rum, and set off again.

I reach the finish, the announcer sings out my name to the tune of Aida, and every fox in attendance applauds. I close my eyes, hoping to reopen them and find myself in Grächen, under the "Finisher" banner, I open them instead, and I'm surrounded by tiny blue men singing happily. Screw it, I join their circle and sing along, laughing like a madman!